Tuesday, December 9, 2014

New Nintendo 3DS and 3DS XL to be released in U.S. and Europe in March?

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Although currently available in Japan since October, and in Australia and New Zealand since November, Nintendo has officially stated that the newest models of their 3DS handheld systemthe New Nintendo 3DS and New Nintendo 3DS XLwill not be released in the U.S. and Europe until 2015, and so far they've provided nothing more than that year. However, based on other circumstances, I believe I've been able to narrow that release date down to a specific season and maybe even the specific month, as well as guess what the systems' prices might be in the U.S.

The New Nintendo 3DS and New Nintendo 3DS XL in all of their stock photo glory!

By my deductive reasoning, the New Nintendo 3DS and New Nintendo 3DS XL will be released in North America and Europe during the spring of 2015, and initially, the regular version of the system will cost about 180 U.S. dollars and the XL version will sell for approximately 210 U.S. dollars.

I say spring because "spring 2015" is when the 3DS version of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is scheduled to be released, according to Nintendo's North American website, and that game in particular has been said by a figure at Nintendo to play differently on the new 3DS, indicating that the game might be released alongside the new systems to promote sales. "Spring 2015" is also the release date for that same game displayed on Nintendo's U.K. site.

And I say 180 and 210 U.S. dollars because—by the current exchange rate—that's equivalent to the 220 and 250 Australian dollars the systems are currently being sold for in Australia, as shown here, here, and here.

The gaming news website, Nintendo Life, speculates a full western release of the New Nintendo 3DS and New Nintendo 3DS XL to take place before the end of Nintendo's annual fiscal term to get the inevitable burst in sales on the books. Combined with my own speculation, this places the systems' release between March 20th, 2015, the beginning of spring, and March 31st, 2015, the end of Nintendo's current fiscal year.

What do you, the gaming populace, think?

Friday, April 27, 2012

Why you shouldn't vote for Mitt Romney

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Well, it looks like Mitt Romney is set to win the Republican bid. With his upcoming campaign in the general elections approaching, I thought I'd look into his policies critically. Could Romney be a better alternative to Obama?

The following link is from Mitt Romney's official campaign site.


Holy crap, take a look at this. These are Mitt Romney's solutions to what he calls "the critical issues". Some of the things said here are quite stupid, not Rick Santorum stupid, but if you dissect the intelligent and well-meaning sound of the phraseology, it's easier to judge.

On jobs…
Mitt Romney has an exceptional understanding of labor relations from his experience in government and business. He recognizes the value of unions, but is focused on protecting the workers they serve. This means appointing experienced NLRB individuals, amending the NLRA and reversing Obama’s organized labor orders. Mitt also supports states that pursue Right-to-Work laws and prohibits the use of funds for political purposes from worker paychecks.

"He recognizes the value of unions, but is focused on protecting the workers they serve"? What? The whole point of unions is to protect workers. And then he says he's going to appoint "experienced NLRB individuals" and make changes to the NLRA?

So what he's saying is that he wants to be the one responsible for the welfare of workers, not unions, and that he wants to sock-puppet the NLRB with his own appointed officials and make changes to the NLRA, which basically allows unions to exist.

And how does he back himself up for this kind of authority? "Mitt Romney has an exceptional understanding of labor relations from his experience in government and business." Yeah, because someone from a wealthy family who's been a businessman all his life can definitely identify with blue-collar workers.

On taxes…
Mr. Romney supports a fundamental redesign of the existing U.S. tax system. Gov. Romney wants to simplify the U.S. tax system by lowering rates in order to expand the tax base, therefore helping the economy. Stabilizing the tax structure is key, which allows entrepreneurs and investors to effectively plan for the future. This means maintaining current tax rates on personal income, interest, dividends and capital gains, eliminating the death tax and taxes for those tax payers with an AGI of less than $200k on interest, capital gains and dividends. Romney also wants to lower corporate tax rates to 25%.

Translation: Tax rates are going to stay high for everyone, except for corporations and dead people.

Because in these tough economic times, the best solution is taking less money from the people that make the most money.

On China...
Governor Romney strongly believes that China's economic success is due in large part to ground work that the United States has laid.

He strongly believes that China's economic success stems from "ground work the United States has laid"?

Now listen for a minute, if you say you believe something, that does not at all mean there are facts behind it. So, by Romney saying this, he makes an inadvertent admission that this is complete bias. China's economic success comes from wage slavery and mass production outsourced from other countries, is that the kind of "ground work" he's talking about? If anything, Romney is laying Chinese ground work in the US by meddling with labor unions.

He sees China as a new power that is essentially infringing on the intellectual property of U.S. individuals and corporations.

Yeah, never mind the massive human rights abuses and the virtually non-existent labor rights. Clearly, China's worst offense is its manufacture of bootleg products. Those poor, defenseless corporations ....

As President, Mr. Romney will work to enforce stronger protections of our IP in an effort to ensure proper remuneration for our technological accomplishments.

Did you guys see what he just did there? "Mr. Romney will work to enforce stronger protections of our IP in an effort to ensure proper remuneration for our technological accomplishments."

So basically, Romney wants our IPs controlled. He didn't say our internet, he said our IPs, our individual internet identifications. Notice how this isn't under his homeland security section, but instead snugly tucked away in his section on China. He's using Chinese bootlegs as an excuse to justify the widely unpopular act of IP monitoring or censorship. Never mind the fact that China's internet is already censored to hell and back, so I don't see how this makes any sense. Maybe that's why he decided not to tackle the subject on its own, because then it would've been more apparent that this idea is full of crap.

Okay, maybe he's talking about the Chinese government using the internet to find US technology that they can reverse-engineer, but that still doesn't make sense. There's other ways they can do that besides using the internet. Safeguarding US IPs because of that is like the equivalent to locking your dog in a giant hamster ball to keep it from getting fleas.

Mitt feels that China manipulates its currency in an effort to negatively impact the Dollar and stands by the idea that the Chinese government abuses its relationships with American businesses by contracting them into sharing technology and then reverse-engineering it in many cases.

Mitt feels? He stands by the idea? You don't govern a country on f***ing feelings! This shows Romney's blatant disregard for facts. Does he determine anything about China based on what he actually knows and not some sweeping presuppositions?

It is because of these beliefs that Mitt has proposed – and supports – better legal protections for trade, sanctions and trade tariffs for offenders like China, global currency regulation, and pausing all American government procurement of goods from China until they agree to the the Government Procurement Agreement written by the World Trade Organization.

Romney wants to put sanctions on China and pause procurement from them if they don't agree to the GPA? Do you know how ludicrous and futile that sounds? One of the top exporters to the US and the largest holder of its debt; and Romney says imposing sanctions or pausing its imports are a-okay.

Because they make bootlegs which, you know, are destroying the economy as we speak.

On Iran...
Governor Romney is incredibly firm on his stance towards Iran in what will be one of the cornerstones of his administration. Mitt is focused on not allowing Iran to gain nuclear capabilities and he hopes that this can be achieved diplomatically.

That's right Iran, you're not allowed to develop cheaper and cleaner alternative fuel and treat cancer patients.

However, because of his staunch support of Israel, he does not believe that the world can simply sit back and wait for something catastrophic to happen in the region.

Like US military involvement?

Mr. Romney supports diplomatic isolation of Iran, as well as economic sanctions,

What the hell has Iran ever done to deserve either of those things? Because they might be developing nuclear weapons? That's a complete assumption with no backing evidence whatsoever.

and would consider a military action if absolutely necessary.

I knew it.

Mitt's track record is clear in his opposition towards Iran's posturing, and understands the threat that they truly pose to the region and global stability as a whole. He believes that the people of Iran must be involved and understand the dangers of their leaders' nuclear ambitions. The Governor believes that Iran is one of the greatest threats to the security and stability of the United States, and as President, the priority for his foreign policy will be the defense of America and to ensure the protection of freedom around the world from threats like those posed by Iran.

How is Iran suppressing freedom in any other part of the world in any way, or threatening "global stability as a whole"? That criteria applies to the US more than it does Iran. What? Did Mitt Romney just shake a magic eight-ball to decide his position on Iran? F***ing Mexico is a bigger threat to the United States.

So yeah,  Romney's stance on Iran can be best summed up as "guilty until proven innocent", pretty much.

On Homeland Security...
Governor Romney believes that the best offense is a good defense. Our country should be able to and must defend itself, both home and overseas. Governor Romney supports the PATRIOT Act and believes it allows the Government the access it needs to vital information necessary to securing our citizens.

He supports the PATRIOT Act .... I don't know, do I really have to make a comment on this?

Governor Romney understands that there are those who live in the United States who might want to injure or kill their fellow citizens. He supports civil liberties but believes that being safe and alive is the most important civil liberty the United States Government can provide to its citizens.

Governor Romney stated in a 2012 debate that, if President, he would have signed the 2012 National Defense Authorization Act. It would have given the President the ability to arrest and detain any United States Citizen suspected of being a terrorist or a part of al-Qaeda.

See everybody, it's not so bad if you're being spied on or detained by the military for an indefinite amount of time, just so long as you're safe and alive. Your privacy and your liberties will be disregarded, but at least you're safe and alive. It's all good.

I mean, I know Obama put his name on the NDAA, but at least he's pledged that the indefinite detention provision wouldn't apply to US citizens. Romney, however, makes it no secret that he's in favor of detaining citizens.

On our ally Israel...
Governor Romney strongly believes that Radical Islam has only these goals: to eliminate Israel and replace all the world’s countries with Islamic states under one caliphate, forcing the conversion of all non-believers to Islam.

Well, Romney spent over two years in France trying to convert people to Mormonism when he was a teenager, so I don't see how he has any right to talk here.

So, here's a quick recap: Mitt Romney wants to control labor unions, lower taxes almost exclusively for corporations, "protect" our IPs because of Chinese bootlegs, put sanctions on China, continue bullying Iran, and he fully supports both the PATRIOT Act and the NDAA.


Excuse me, waiter, I would like to order four more years of Obama, please.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Puss in Boots (2011): A First Look

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The trailer for Puss in Boots the movie is out now. Although we can never be too sure if it'll be another shamelessly bad sequel to the Shrek franchise, these things can usually be predetermined by an educated analysis of the previews.

Let's take a look at DreamWorks' new official trailer.

Wow, where do I begin? First, allow me to list all of the factors that point this movie in a bad direction.

1. So far, an unoriginal plot (villains take hold of an ancient, mystical power and only one hero can stop them), check.

2. Spin-off of a well-established franchise, check.

3. Sassy, smart-aleck, female character that'll appeal to the teenage girl demographic, check.

4. Comic relief sidekick voiced by an actor that's popular with frat boys and hipsters (e.g. Jonah Hill, John C. Reilly, Michael Cera, Ricky Gervais, etc.), check.

5. Billy Bob Thornton, check. Because when I think of medieval Spain, I think of Billy Bob Thornton.

Yep, another soulless money-maker, a perfect addition to the Shrek franchise. Who wants to bet that this'll be in eye-popping 3-D? ... What am I saying!? Of course it will!

The three main characters of DreamWorks' latest action romp. From right to left: Puss in Boots, Humpty "Alexander" Dumpty, and ... "Kitty Softballs"?

Also, something else about that trailer bugs me, "Murderous outlaws have discovered an ancient power. With it, they can destroy the world."

I'm sorry, but what kind of dumb-ass villains would want to destroy the world? Where the hell are they going to live after they destroy it?

So yeah, anyway, you know where I'm placing my money on this. Puss in Boots will most likely be another CGI monstrosity by DreamWorks. Although, coming from a film studio that's notorious for unethical business practices with it's kids' movies, I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm calling it, the movie poster will feature Puss raising one eyebrow and idiots are going to think this film takes place in Mexico.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Om Bahadur: Indian movie review

DailyOnorio presents a review of an Indian movie made in 2006, presented by Meenu Sarkar in association with Yashkun Movie Makers.

This is Om Bahadur, a self-proclaimed action movie about an Indian movie star/crime boss/the greatest movie character ever, named Satya.

This is one of those "so bad it's good" foreign films. As if the akward zoom-ins and tilted camera angles weren't enough for your average Indian movie, this film feels the need to do it constantly. There's never a dramatic moment in the movie where the camera doesn't do an extreme zoom-in on someone's face, or even zoom-in on the same character's face multiple times. Most of the time it's extremely apparent that someone was just holding the camera without using any other equipment. The editing is also lazy and since it's an Indian movie, it's obvious the special effects are going to be cheesy, but reverse effects are used in some scenes for no reason, as if they were just used it for the sake of being used.

The movie itself is very incoherent. The first hour-and-a-half is just some romantic buildup between the two main characters, mixed with different action scenes and musical sequences that happen so randomly and out of place they're almost like non-sequiturs. After one scene where Satya and the girl are talking, the movie will randomly cut to Satya competing in some fighting competition and there's no explanation or background at all. And it doesn't matter what scene happened beforehand, when a musical number springs up it's always in a happy tone. The romance also comes on and off so much that you stop caring after a while, and even then you don't know if anyone's being serious because the whole movie takes place while a director is filming them (making an Indian movie in another Indian movie), so you don't really know if they're acting or not, which really adds to the confusion. After an hour-and-a-half of that nonsense, the actual conflict steps in and the movie suddenly turns into anti-Pakistan propaganda. The villain, who you never pay attention to until the end of the movie, finally decides to advance the plot, and before the final fight scene, he just bluntly says he's from Pakistan when he was asked no questions and given no real reason to mention it. After some unexplained "magic" scene, the hero makes some long, winded speech about how Pakis don't appreciate India, or something like that. Another thing that isn't explained at all are the "magic" scenes. I won't spoil anything, but two people in the movie die and are brought back to life by "love", and there's absolutely no explanation or any questions asked afterwards, as if stuff like that just happens so casually, you know. It makes even less sense that this movie has a G rating when there's so much intense violence, which is automatically apparent by the very beginning of the movie.

Satya makes his debut appearance.
But what takes this movie one step further is Satya, the main character himself. That's him in the above image. He's India's answer for an American-style action star. He wears shades and jewelry, smokes cigarettes, has his own posse (which he can summon at any time to kick some serious ass), fights with knives, knows martial arts, and is a womanizer, all while having a stylish mullet and handlebar mustache. He's basically the only reason this movie is worth watching at all.

Aside from him, everything in the movie also happens incredibly fast. Even though most of the scenes aren't even action scenes, the movie just bombards you with constant talking and awkwardness, not one minute of this movie isn't gif or reaction image worthy. There's not even a scene that's completely quiet or allows for reflection on what's happened previously; after one scene's done there's an instant cut to the next scene. Everything's just non-stop, even after the climax there's no resolution, the film quickly cuts to a "The End" title card and that's it, it's over; there's no credits because all the credits are placed at the beginning of the film for some reason. What's also weird is that the film looks extremely dated, but it was made in 2006.  Even the sound effects you hear during the fight scenes sounds like something you'd hear in an eighties Kung-Fu movie. The fight choreography is also similar, complete with "I-didn't-actually-touch-him-but-still-managed-to-hurt-him" punches and kicks.

The movie is predominantly in Hindi and subbed in English, so I'm wondering why it looks like all the voices were dubbed. Some of the dialogue spoken in the movie is in English though, it sounds kinda funny too.

You can watch the whole movie on YouTube here:


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Words of Wisdom

"It takes talent, effort, skill, and patience to make a work of art. It takes none of those to make a baby."
A quote by me.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Mario's True Creator Reveals Himself

You find a lot of weird stuff on YouTube. Recently, I've stumbled across this one particular video of a man named Arden Lawrence, claiming to be the original creator of Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as all their names. His story sounds very believable.

But to save you three-and-a-half minutes, I'll sum up what he says because he kinda rambles on. Arden Lawrence first created Mario in 1977 and based him on a real person; his best childhood friend whom he grew up with in Bard, New Mexico, named Mario Padilla Garcia, who was an underground demolitions expert for UV Industries and died of cancer in his early twenties. Luigi was based on a chief of police named Louis Verines, whom Arden and Mario worked for after school from the ages of twelve or thirteen until they graduated from high school (he never mentions what the work was). And Princess Peach was based on Arden's first wife, Eleanor Peach Lawrence.

Arden Lawrence's original inked artwork of the Mushroom Kingdom, as shown at the end of the video.

He mentions that he has contacted Nintendo and hired a copyright attorney who told him he did not have enough evidence to incite a case. Arden also mentions how his ideas could have been stolen. He says he was introduced to a girl named Sofia who offered to show his artworks to her brother who worked in animation in California, but he never heard from her again. Since then, many art students he met have had copies of Arden's artworks and used them without his permission. He also lost an air force duffel bag containing a set a Mario artworks in Colorado while traveling from New Mexico.

He also updated the description to that video about a year ago linking to an original drawing of Mario, here's that same drawing.

Mario as drawn by his alleged original creator, Arden Lawrence.

Also on this man's YouTube channel is a dance video devoted in memory to the late Mario Padilla Garcia, who inspired the name and maybe likeness of the current-day Mario, but it has yet to be continued.

As we can infer from Arden's claims, Mario's name was obviously not inspired by Mario Segale of Nintendo of America lore. Speaking of him though, a photo of Segale was released onto the internet just about a year ago after nearly three decades of anonymity, but so much for him.

However, there's one video on the channel that's so contrived and bizarre, you can no longer take any of these claims seriously. It's the third upload on Arden's channel after the first two videos I posted. In it, there's a completely different man calling himself Arden Lawrence and claiming to have made the original Mario artworks, the inspiration of which was induced by marijuana. It makes less sense that a reupload of the first video was uploaded right after this one.

The videos uploaded after this and the reupload of the first video are what I presume to be just some local boxing videos. But there you have it, either Arden Lawrence really is Mario's true creator and the video above is just a joke, or this is one of the best trolls on YouTube.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sharia has nothing to do with freedom.

Okay, I decided to post something new because I just saw a video that pissed me off. Before I go into any detail, here's the video so you can watch yourself. To put this video into context first, this started with a couple of Muslims protesting some anti-Islam activist in Orange County, California, then a bunch of "racists" came along to defend her.

This video is supposedly exposing Islamophobia. Now, I might agree that these "racists" are protesting on behalf of xenophobia, but I do believe they're fighting for a solid, valid cause, even if it might be for all the wrong reasons. This video wrongfully demonizes the white people, calling them Islamophobes, for supposedly suppressing freedom, but is it freedom if everyone has to live under Sharia law?

Here are a few things both sides get wrong ...


Guy with megaphone: "Now live under our constitution and our bill of rights like everyone else!"

Arab guy: "I wish you knew how to follow the bill of rights."

Oh, is he following the bill of rights? Let's check it and see ...
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Let's see, judging by the first amendment, he has a right to free speech and peaceably assemble. He's not only following the bill of rights correctly, he's almost an embodiment of the first amendment!


Arab guy: "You don't have to eliminate the rights of Muslims." (At least that's what I think he says.)

Nobody's rights are being "eliminated". This whole protest is an exercise of rights more than anything.


Guy with megaphone: "Communists go home!"

What do communists have to do with any of this? Here's a reality check, the Soviet Union collapsed almost twenty years ago, Communism should no longer be a threat to you. I mean, unless you're being sarcastic by comparing Communism to Sharia.


Protesters: "Up, up, up with the people! Down, down, down with the racists!"

I love how they're making this an issue of race when race really has nothing to do with this. What if there were black people or other Arabs protesting with the "Islamophobes"? Would that still make them racists then? And why chant, "Up, up, up with the people"? Who are "the people"? Everyone who isn't an evil, oppressive, racist wants Sharia imposed?

If this was a protest to instill the ten commandments into U.S. law, then absolutely no one would be throwing word "racist" around. This is how politically correct American society has become.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Gaddafi's Letter to Obama

If you don't know about the conflict going on in Libya ... then you live in a cave. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, it seems our favorite megalomaniac is trying to get on Obama's good side with a letter he's recently written to him ... filled with spelling and grammatical errors.

First, some background. Muammar Gaddafi was the leader of a revolutionary army that seized control of Libya in 1969 and abolished it's previously conceived monarchy (which is ironic since there's a revolution going on against him now). To his credit, Gaddafi actually knows English, but understands it better than he can speak it, which I guess justifies the various mistakes in his letter. You should also know that Gaddafi approves of Barack Obama being U.S. president simply because he's an African with an Islamic background. Gaddafi strongly believes that Obama actually associates himself with this background, despite the fact that Obama's never even lived in Africa.

Here's a video of Gaddafi endorsing Obama during the 2008 elections.

And now the letter, in all of it's unedited glory!

Our son, Excellency,
President Obama

We have been hurt more morally that physically because of what had happened against us in both deeds and words by you. Despite all this you will always remain our son whatever happened. We still pray that you continue to be president of the U.S.A. We Endeavour and hope that you will gain victory in the new election campaigne. You are a man who has enough courage to annul a wrong and mistaken action. I am sure that you are able to shoulder the responsibility for that.

Enough evidence is available, Bearing in mind that you are the president of the strongest power in the world nowadays, and since Nato is waging an unjust war against a small people of a developing country. This country had already been subjected to embargo and sanctions, furthermore it also suffered a direct military armed aggression during Reagan's time. This country is Libya.

Hence, to serving world peace ... Friendship between our peoples ... and for the sake of economic, and security cooperation against terror, you are in a position to keep Nato off the Libyan affair for good. As you know too well democracy and building of civil society cannot be achieved by means of missiles and aircraft, or by backing armed member of AlQuaeda in Benghazi.

You, yourself, said on many occasions, one of them in the UN General Assembly, I was witness to that personally, that America is not responsible for the security of other peoples. That America helps only. This is the right logic.

Our dear son, Excellency, Baraka Hussein Abu oumama, your intervention is the name of the U.S.A. is a must, so that Nato would withdraw finally from the Libyan affair. Libya should be left to Libyans within the African union frame.

The problem now stands as follows:-

1. There is Nato intervention politically as well as military.

2. Terror conducted by AlQaueda gangs that have been armed in some cities, and by force refused to allow people to go back to their normal life, and carry on with exercising their social people's power as usual.

Mu'aumer Qaddaffi
Leader of the Revolution
Tripoli 5.4.2011

It also appears from this letter that Gaddafi can travel through time. Hence the timestamp indicating that he actually sent this letter a month later in May 2011.

But besides that, as it is clear from this letter, Gaddafi seems to think that there's an African muslim somewhere, deep inside Obama, and that if he appeals to this particular side of Obama, this "Baraka Hussein Abu oumama", he'll find a change of heart. ... Yeah, it's funny how misinformed this guy is. I really can't say Gaddafi doesn't have some truth to his words, but for the most part, Obama is just a puppet for NATO.

I think Scarface said it best:

"You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie."

Monday, April 4, 2011

Craig McCracken: The Man Behind The Madness

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Two months ago (I think) I exploited The Powerpuff Girls for what it really was; extreme, subliminal, right-wing propaganda which metaphorically suggested that Satan is interchangeable with Santa Clause (and an anagram thereof, or whatever). And now I'm going to expose to all of you, the exploitative worm that created this series, Craig McCracken.

First, a little backstory. Craig McCracken was born in Pennsylvania and moved to California at the tender age of seven. Discontent with his new, rampantly liberal surroundings, he created a prototype to The Powerpuff Girls in college titled, "Whoopass Stew!", no doubt inappropriately named to appeal to the largely immoral, Californian masses. Oh boy, were they in for a uninformed brainwashing.

As we can clearly see here, McCracken's first targets of aggression were minorities. As I've previously stated; the Gang Green Gang is a representation of all minorities in general and the Amoeba Boys represent the metaphorical infection of Italians in America. This short cartoon was made before McCracken syndicated The Powerpuff Girls, so there was no intervention from Cartoon Network or any similar entity. Thus, it is here in these early cartoons where McCracken displays his true, unadulterated hatred.

First, we see the all-minority Gang Green Gang, who are depicted as barbaric and violent as possible (their appearance was obviously toned down when the show was syndicated for Cartoon Network). The Aryan Whoopass Girls defeat them effortlessly, and thus the actual episode begins, but the true nature of McCracken's sick mind has not yet even begun to rear it's ugly head. We see the Ameoba Boys, doing the usual thing most republicans expect from Italians. They encounter the Whoopass Girls, who then sentence them to the most horrible death imaginable; burned to death by the SUN! You heard me right. I think we can infer that McCracken has a huge prejudice against Italians.

My speculations were true, Him really is the devil! They just flat-out say it! As I've stated before, Him symbolizes homosexuals, and in this early cartoon, the symbolism isn't any less apparent. First, we see the Whoopass Girls given "the key to the world", no doubt a republican metaphor for how the world should be left in the hands of conservative Caucasians. Him (the devil) threatens to take the "key to the world", symbolizing how homosexuals want to seize rightful control from powerful republicans to further their own political agendas. He challenges them to a race and loses, not surprisingly.

I don't even have to point out the metaphors in this cartoon. I've already explained how Mojo Jojo is a representation of African-Americans. Just look at these photos from the civil rights protests and draw the connection yourself.

Now, you're probably wondering; with all of this obvious prejudice, how in the world did Craig McCracken break into Cartoon Network, a largely democratic establishment, and further spread his militant conservationist message to children? ... By acting like a complete stoner of course! It wasn't the Whoopass Girls, but mostly his fabricated mannerisms and outward appearance as a stoner that got him accepted by the head honchos at the network. An early example can be seen in this CNN report from the mid-nineties.

It's clear that McCracken understands; to defeat the enemy, you must do so from within.

Here is an early interview with McCracken for the Cartoon Network original series, Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, where he continues with his stoner ruse.

I mean, just look at that face. He's totally uninterested in what he's doing, only feigning interest at this moment knowing how much his reputation will benefit afterward, his great contribution to republican extremism only that much closer to world syndication. It should've been apparent from his metaphorical condemning of the black man's struggle and referencing of a Bible story what the network executives were in for.

Craig McCracken had fortunately left Cartoon Network in 2009, but by then it was too late. The Powerpuff Girls had already made it's run for seven years, successfully injecting McCracken's bellicose ideals into the minds of children worldwide. Are his influences still relevant to this day and does Cartoon Network realize the mistake they made? Only until it happens, I suppose.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Tommy Wiseau's "The Room": The First 36 Minutes REVIEWED

I've heard a lot of hubbub about this movie as of late. Apparently, The Room is a movie praised for how bad it is, and from what I've heard and seen of it, I've become very interested. However, I am not willing to pay money to watch a bad movie, neither on a rented DVD nor in a movie theater at midnight only to get caught up in a restless, college kid ritual which involves throwing footballs and spoons in the air. Instead, I did what any good American would do and watched the movie online for free. I dug through dozens of clips and parody videos and I was finally able to find the movie on YouTube ... but only the first thirty-six minutes. So I had to settle with the first little half hour, not like that's a big deal, I was already told what happens at the end.

Being the sole theatrical production of Tommy Wiseau, the movie opens with his own production logo. Sure, it may look incredibly cheap, but appreciate it for this moment, you'll never see it again.

Oddly enough, for a movie that's supposed to be an adult drama, the opening orchestral score sounds very reminiscent of Harry Potter. But, as we are given more pointless shots San Francisco, the music slowly becomes less dramatic. It's like if Harry Potter was fused with Seinfeld, this is the opening we'd get. Anyway, how many times can you spot Tommy Wiseau's name in the opening credits?

Johnny (Tommy's character on the right): "I'm going to take a nap."

Denny (left): "Can I go upstairs too?"

Wow, not even four minutes into the movie and already, here's our first example of awkward dialogue. Brace yourself, this movie is laced with strange lines like this.

I like how Denny just picks up and eats food laying around in other people's apartment rooms.

Denny: "I'd just like to watch you guys."

Lisa (left): "Oh-ho, Denny, Denny, Denny-boy."

Johnny: "Denny, two's great but three's a crowd, haha."

Yeah, uh ... no comment.

Aah!! Tommy Wiseau's ass is hideous!

Claudette is supposed to be Lisa's mother, even though she looks nearly eighty and Lisa only looks about twenty. She's thrown into the mix just to add some cheesy drama, just like any typical old lady you'd see in a soap opera. She also has a knack for bringing up situations that are never resolved, as well as characters who never make on-screen appearances, such as her brother, Harold, and ex-husband, Edward.

Claudette: "I'm glad you're listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me."

Lisa: "You're probably right about that, mom."

Woah, I don't know about Tommy Wiseau the writers of this movie, but that sounded too much like an underhanded insult.

Lisa (over the phone): "Hey baby, how ya doing?"

Mark (above): "Oh, hey how ya doing? Yeah, I'm very busy, what's going on?"

Lisa: "I just finished talking to my mom, she gave me this big lecture about Johnny."

Mark: "Look, we'll talk about it later, I told you I'm very busy."

If you're "very busy", why would you ask "what's going on?" to continue talking on the phone? What exactly is Mark doing that indicates he's "busy"? The backdrop behind him is blurred beyond recognition, so how do we know where he is? Is he in a car? Is he on a bridge? Or maybe just wearing Ozzy Osbourne glasses is proof enough that he's got his hands full, silly me.

Lisa: "Well talk about it now. Whenever you say we'll talk about it later, we never do. I can't wait 'till later, I wanna talk right now. You owe me one anyway."

"I can't wait 'till later, I wanna talk right now.". God this movie is full of contradictions.

You know, for a bad movie, I'm really digging the sex music, but where the hell is this scene taking place? Are they having sex in a jail cell or a baby crib?

Boy, I've never seen this shot before.

Johnny: "Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses please?"

Cashier (right): "Oh hi Johnny, I didn't know it was you.

You didn't know it was him? How many men with long, black hair in business suits come in this flower shop on a daily basis? And by the way, that cashier looks like someone who'd work in a Goodwill, much less a flower shop.

Cashier: "Here ya go."

Johnny: "That's me!"

Oh really, Johnny? I didn't know it was you!

Lisa: "Hey Denny, how ya doing?"

Denny: "I'm fine. What's new?"

Lisa: "Actually, I'm really busy. Do you want something to drink?"

What's with all this "I'm busy" crap? How can you be "really" busy if you just got done ordering a pizza and then willingly let in a visitor with enough free time available to make him a drink? You better explain yourself, because I don't see any Ozzy shades this time.

Denny: "You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?"

Lisa: "You are such a little brat!"

Woah, what kind of reaction is that? Denny's supposed to be a college kid and you're treating him like he's five? Have you forgotten that this is the same kid who wanted to watch you and your fiancé have sex?

Lisa: "D'you get your promotion?"

Johnny: "Nah."

Lisa: "... You didn't get it, did you?"

Lisa doesn't seem to catch on very fast.

Lisa: "At least you have friends, I didn't get any calls today. ... You're right, the computer business is too competitive."

Ha, so Lisa wasn't "busy" at all. But what's "the computer business"? That sounds very generalized. Maybe she should've went into the food business instead.

Wait a minute, I thought Lisa ordered a half-Canadian bacon with pineapple, half-artichoke with pastone (light on the cheese) pizza. That just looks like a regular, pepperoni pizza.

Oh, hey look! Johnny and Lisa are drunk! You can so tell they're drunk because Lisa has Johnny's tie tied around her head and piss is coming out of Johnny's left hand!

Oh my God, it hasn't even been half an hour and yet we get another fucking sex scene? It's like one sex scene every ten minutes! Was this movie originally intended to be a porno or something but then someone decided to expand on what little plot there was?

Claudette: "Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I'm dying."

Lisa: "You're not dying, mom."

Claudette: "I got the results of the test back; I definitely have breast cancer."

Lisa: "Look, don't worry about it, everything will be fine. They're caring well to people every day."

Claudette: "I'm sure I'll be alright. Oh, I heard Edward is talking about me."

Yeah, because cancer is so mundane and insignificant it's only worth bringing up once, I suppose.

Claudette: "Well at least you have a good man."

Lisa: "You're wrong. Mom, he's not what you think he is. He didn't get his promotion, and he got drunk last night ... and he hit me."

Yeah, start ripping on Johnny even though you were just organizing his birthday party a minute ago.

Mike (left): "Did you, uh, know ... that, chocolate ... is the symbol of love?"

No Mike, I really didn't know that. Is that what they taught you in high school?

Oh great, another seemingly random sex scene. Well, at least it gets cut short and Lisa isn't involved this time.

Lisa: "I told you, mom. Johnny is very caring about the people in his life, and he gave Denny his own set of keys to our place."

Claudette: "Please, don't hurt Johnny. Now if you really don't love him, so be it, but you should tell him."

Wait a minute, Lisa just got done telling her mom how much she hated Johnny, now all of the sudden she's talking about how caring he is? And did Claudette even listen to a word she said? Even after hearing Lisa say how good Johnny is, how is she going to reiterate that Lisa doesn't love him?

Claudette: "If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend."

Um ... okay? Is that supposed to be reassuring?

And now we meet Denny's drug dealer, Chris R., a character so hardcore, no one dares to say his last name, only it's initial. By the way, is it just me or is every male character in this movie muscular? I guess that just further supports my idea that this movie was originally intended to be a porno.

Luckily for Denny, just as Chris R. pulls a gun on him, Johnny, Mark, Lisa, and Claudette just so happen to come out on the rooftop and save him, even though Claudette supposedly just left Lisa to go home. What are the odds!?

Claudette: "You have no idea what kind of trouble you're in here, do you?"

That's right, Denny! How dare you have someone point a gun to your head!

Denny: "I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up, I didn't mean for this to happen."

I like that annoyed expression on Claudette's face after Denny admits he bought drugs, as if it's just some minor nuisance, just like her breast cancer!

Denny: "I just needed some money to pay off some stuff!"

Lisa: "How much do you have to give him!?"

Claudette: "This is not the way you make money, damn it."

What? How can you make money if you're the one buying drugs?

Denny: "Stop ganging up on me!"

Claudette: "Well, it is time somebody ganged up on you, for God's sake! A man like that -- where in the hell did you meet a man like that?"

Denny: "It doesn't matter!"

Claudette: "It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed -- you expect me to forget that, huh!?"

Oh yeah, completely ignore the fact that Denny is taking drugs. He deserves to be ganged-up on because someone pointed a gun to his head! This scene is just full of contradictions.

Is Johnny having an orgasm here or something?

Johnny: "I did not hit her! It's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did nooot! ... Oh hi, Mark."

That's it, I'm done watching this.