Being the sole theatrical production of Tommy Wiseau, the movie opens with his own production logo. Sure, it may look incredibly cheap, but appreciate it for this moment, you'll never see it again.
Oddly enough, for a movie that's supposed to be an adult drama, the opening orchestral score sounds very reminiscent of Harry Potter. But, as we are given more pointless shots San Francisco, the music slowly becomes less dramatic. It's like if Harry Potter was fused with Seinfeld, this is the opening we'd get. Anyway, how many times can you spot Tommy Wiseau's name in the opening credits?
Johnny (Tommy's character on the right): "I'm going to take a nap."
Denny (left): "Can I go upstairs too?"
Wow, not even four minutes into the movie and already, here's our first example of awkward dialogue. Brace yourself, this movie is laced with strange lines like this.
I like how Denny just picks up and eats food laying around in other people's apartment rooms.
Denny: "I'd just like to watch you guys."
Lisa (left): "Oh-ho, Denny, Denny, Denny-boy."
Johnny: "Denny, two's great but three's a crowd, haha."
Yeah, uh ... no comment.
Aah!! Tommy Wiseau's ass is hideous!
Claudette is supposed to be Lisa's mother, even though she looks nearly eighty and Lisa only looks about twenty. She's thrown into the mix just to add some cheesy drama, just like any typical old lady you'd see in a soap opera. She also has a knack for bringing up situations that are never resolved, as well as characters who never make on-screen appearances, such as her brother, Harold, and ex-husband, Edward.
Claudette: "I'm glad you're listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me."
Lisa: "You're probably right about that, mom."
Woah, I don't know about
Tommy Wiseau the writers of this movie, but that sounded too much like an underhanded insult.
Lisa (over the phone): "Hey baby, how ya doing?"
Mark (above): "Oh, hey how ya doing? Yeah, I'm very busy, what's going on?"
Lisa: "I just finished talking to my mom, she gave me this big lecture about Johnny."
Mark: "Look, we'll talk about it later, I told you I'm very busy."
If you're "very busy", why would you ask "what's going on?" to continue talking on the phone? What exactly is Mark doing that indicates he's "busy"? The backdrop behind him is blurred beyond recognition, so how do we know where he is? Is he in a car? Is he on a bridge? Or maybe just wearing Ozzy Osbourne glasses is proof enough that he's got his hands full, silly me.
Lisa: "Well talk about it now. Whenever you say we'll talk about it later, we never do. I can't wait 'till later, I wanna talk right now. You owe me one anyway."
"I can't wait 'till later, I wanna talk right now.". God this movie is full of contradictions.
You know, for a bad movie, I'm really digging the sex music, but where the hell is this scene taking place? Are they having sex in a jail cell or a baby crib?
Boy, I've never seen this shot before.
Johnny: "Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses please?"
Cashier (right): "Oh hi Johnny, I didn't know it was you.
You didn't know it was him? How many men with long, black hair in business suits come in this flower shop on a daily basis? And by the way, that cashier looks like someone who'd work in a Goodwill, much less a flower shop.
Cashier: "Here ya go."
Johnny: "That's me!"
Oh really, Johnny? I didn't know it was you!
Lisa: "Hey Denny, how ya doing?"
Denny: "I'm fine. What's new?"
Lisa: "Actually, I'm really busy. Do you want something to drink?"
What's with all this "I'm busy" crap? How can you be "really" busy if you just got done ordering a pizza and then willingly let in a visitor with enough free time available to make him a drink? You better explain yourself, because I don't see any Ozzy shades this time.
Denny: "You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?"
Lisa: "You are such a little brat!"
Woah, what kind of reaction is that? Denny's supposed to be a college kid and you're treating him like he's five? Have you forgotten that this is the same kid who wanted to watch you and your fiancé have sex?
Lisa: "D'you get your promotion?"
Lisa: "... You didn't get it, did you?"
Lisa doesn't seem to catch on very fast.
Lisa: "At least you have friends, I didn't get any calls today. ... You're right, the computer business is too competitive."
Ha, so Lisa wasn't "busy" at all. But what's "the computer business"? That sounds very generalized. Maybe she should've went into the food business instead.
Wait a minute, I thought Lisa ordered a half-Canadian bacon with pineapple, half-artichoke with pastone (light on the cheese) pizza. That just looks like a regular, pepperoni pizza.
Oh, hey look! Johnny and Lisa are drunk! You can so tell they're drunk because Lisa has Johnny's tie tied around her head and piss is coming out of Johnny's left hand!
Oh my God, it hasn't even been half an hour and yet we get another fucking sex scene? It's like one sex scene every ten minutes! Was this movie originally intended to be a porno or something but then someone decided to expand on what little plot there was?
Claudette: "Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I'm dying."
Lisa: "You're not dying, mom."
Claudette: "I got the results of the test back; I definitely have breast cancer."
Lisa: "Look, don't worry about it, everything will be fine. They're caring well to people every day."
Claudette: "I'm sure I'll be alright. Oh, I heard Edward is talking about me."
Yeah, because cancer is so mundane and insignificant it's only worth bringing up once, I suppose.
Claudette: "Well at least you have a good man."
Lisa: "You're wrong. Mom, he's not what you think he is. He didn't get his promotion, and he got drunk last night ... and he hit me."
Yeah, start ripping on Johnny even though you were just organizing his birthday party a minute ago.
Mike (left): "Did you, uh, know ... that, chocolate ... is the symbol of love?"
No Mike, I really didn't know that. Is that what they taught you in high school?
Oh great, another seemingly random sex scene. Well, at least it gets cut short and Lisa isn't involved this time.
Lisa: "I told you, mom. Johnny is very caring about the people in his life, and he gave Denny his own set of keys to our place."
Claudette: "Please, don't hurt Johnny. Now if you really don't love him, so be it, but you should tell him."
Wait a minute, Lisa just got done telling her mom how much she hated Johnny, now all of the sudden she's talking about how caring he is? And did Claudette even listen to a word she said? Even after hearing Lisa say how good Johnny is, how is she going to reiterate that Lisa doesn't love him?
Claudette: "If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend."
Um ... okay? Is that supposed to be reassuring?
And now we meet Denny's drug dealer, Chris R., a character so hardcore, no one dares to say his last name, only it's initial. By the way, is it just me or is every male character in this movie muscular? I guess that just further supports my idea that this movie was originally intended to be a porno.
Luckily for Denny, just as Chris R. pulls a gun on him, Johnny, Mark, Lisa, and Claudette just so happen to come out on the rooftop and save him, even though Claudette supposedly just left Lisa to go home. What are the odds!?
Claudette: "You have no idea what kind of trouble you're in here, do you?"
That's right, Denny! How dare you have someone point a gun to your head!
Denny: "I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up, I didn't mean for this to happen."
I like that annoyed expression on Claudette's face after Denny admits he bought drugs, as if it's just some minor nuisance, just like her breast cancer!
Denny: "I just needed some money to pay off some stuff!"
Lisa: "How much do you have to give him!?"
Claudette: "This is not the way you make money, damn it."
What? How can you make money if you're the one buying drugs?
Denny: "Stop ganging up on me!"
Claudette: "Well, it is time somebody ganged up on you, for God's sake! A man like that -- where in the hell did you meet a man like that?"
Denny: "It doesn't matter!"
Claudette: "It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed -- you expect me to forget that, huh!?"
Oh yeah, completely ignore the fact that Denny is taking drugs. He deserves to be ganged-up on because someone pointed a gun to his head! This scene is just full of contradictions.
Is Johnny having an orgasm here or something?
Johnny: "I did not hit her! It's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did nooot! ... Oh hi, Mark."
That's it, I'm done watching this.